P is for Pants
by Kirihana
Summary: Yet another installment of the Alphabet series. Duo replaces a single word from Heero's favorite phrase. I take suggestions for future installments!


Yeah, my friend (the one I blamed S is for Stoic on) and I were sitting around watching Troy (I mostly watched it for the Orlando Bloom goodness. He doesn't need to speak; he can say everything with his eyes. But when he speaks it's even better… Okay, I digress) and I was telling him about this Avatar: The Last Airbender story I read where quotes were taken from the series and certain words replaced with the word "pants." (It's in my favorites. Go read it, it's funny.) So we got to coming up with other quotes and I stumbled on the most classic Gundam Wing quote of all time. Thus the third installment of the Alphabet Series. Oh, and I take requests for future letters. I can't come up with all of this insanity on my own, you know. Enjoy!

I do not own Gundam Wing.

**P is for Pants**

Duo was bored. You would think that the rest of the pilots would know by now that Duo should never be allowed to be bored, particularly after what happened the last time, but no. Not only had they allowed him to become bored, but they had left poor Duo alone. That's right, Quatre and Trowa had gone grocery shopping, and Wufei was also shopping, though for what Duo didn't know and had been denied the knowledge of. Heero had muttered something about a mission and left without eating breakfast or even drinking his customary cup of coffee. Duo felt slight pity for the target of Heero's mission, because Heero was not a nice person when he didn't get his coffee. Not that Heero was all that nice to begin with, but the lack of coffee made it worse. So, now Duo was left all by his lonesome. The TV was fixed, but there wasn't anything decent or worthwhile on. So Duo began to do the most interesting thing he could think of.

He began to plot revenge. No, wait, revenge was too strong a word. A prank! Yes, we will call it a prank… "Bwahahahahahaha!" Duo paused. Strange that when he was alone in the house, his evil laughter echoed. At least, it did in the living room. He wondered briefly what other rooms might produce an echo. Then he remembered he was plotting a prank. "I shall call them pants, and they shall be mine," he muttered as he began to pace, playing with a quote from some twenty-first century movie. "They shall be my pants. Here, pants, pants, pants!" Duo tripped suddenly and fell flat on his face. "Ow! Bad pants!" He got up and brushed himself off. An idea occurred to him, and he grinned wickedly. "Perfect."

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When they arrived home, Trowa and Quatre were slightly disturbed by the incredible quiet that had descended upon their merry little household. Normally they would have found Duo in the living room with the TV blaring, sulking in his favorite chair. This time he was not there, but a vague noise from upstairs suggested he was in his room, sulking with his radio. Trowa helped Quatre put the groceries away and then went upstairs to check on Duo and confirm that Deathscythe's pilot was only sulking and not doing something that would cost Quatre a lot of money. Quatre began to hum to himself as he started to make lunch for the three of them. Wufei had said he wouldn't be back until dinner, and Heero wasn't expected to return until tomorrow at the earliest. Deciding he didn't want to make anything elaborate, Quatre pulled everyone's favorite sandwich ingredients from the cabinets and the refrigerator. He got out the cutting board and a knife and began slicing tomatoes.

Duo smiled to himself and silently snuck up on Quatre. He did so with ease, having had much practice in sneaking up on both Heero and Wufei. He leaned close to Quatre's ear and in his very best Perfect Soldier monotone whispered, "I will pants you."

Quatre stiffened. The knife paused about an inch above the tomato. He recovered quickly and whirled around, but there was no one there. He shivered involuntarily. The blond boy told himself that he must have imagined the voice, but it had just been so creepy! He returned to slicing the tomato, peering over his shoulder every thirty-eight seconds just in case.

"Duo's not upstairs."

Quatre jumped at least three feet in the air before turning around and pointing the knife at Trowa, his other hand over his heart. Trowa raised an eyebrow. Quatre lowered the knife and tried to catch his breath. "I'm sorry, Trowa. There was this creepy voice a moment ago."

"A creepy voice? What did it say?"

Quatre flushed in embarrassment. "Actually, it said it was going to pants me."

Trowa blinked. "The voice said it was going to pants you."

Quatre smiled sheepishly. "Yes, but it said it the way Heero always tells people he's going to kill them. And then when you came in, I thought…"

Trowa nodded. "I see. Was this voice of yours familiar?"

Quatre's big blue eyes widened realization dawned. "Duo! Oh, when I find him…"

Trowa cracked a smile and took the knife from Quatre, attending to the forgotten tomato.

Duo laughed as quietly as possible, needing to get it out more than he needed to conceal his whereabouts. The look on Quatre's face had been absolutely priceless! But he was going to have to work much harder if he expected to get Trowa, Wufei, and the crown jewel of prank recipients, Heero. Already a plan was forming.

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That afternoon the household label gun went missing, though no one noticed. Quatre was concerned that while Duo had not shown up for lunch, the sandwich originally prepared for him was gone when the other two had returned to the kitchen after eating their own lunch in the small, informal dining room. Trowa reassured his friend that Duo was fine and would reappear when he chose to. Around six, while Quatre and Trowa were cooking dinner (Quatre having asked Trowa to help in fear of another sneak attack), Wufei returned home. After greeting his housemates, he went upstairs to take a shower and change.

Wufei noticed nothing amiss as he prepared for his shower. He turned on the hot water as far as it would go, having a habit of taking very hot showers no matter the outside temperature. He always took his showers after the others, so there were never any complaints about him using up all of the hot water. It was as he was shampooing his hair that he heard it.

"I will pants you."

Wufei froze, inadvertently allowing the shampoo to get into his eyes.

Duo fought the urge to laugh as he heard Wufei swearing in Chinese over the two-way radio he'd installed in Wufei's bathroom, right near the shower but just out of view. It was harder not to congratulate himself on being utterly brilliant. He switched the radio off. "Two down, two to go." He picked up the label gun.

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Trowa went to his room at approximately eleven fifty-six, having spent twelve minutes convincing Quatre that Duo was not going to pants him in his sleep. He opened his door and stared at his room in amazement. Everything was as neat as he had left it, but every single item in the room bore a label that said "I will pants you." Trowa sighed. Something had to be done about this, and as soon as Heero got home, he was going to hear about it.

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"Let me get this straight. Duo has been threatening to pants the three of you."

Quatre nodded fervently. "Yes, and unless something is done, you're next!"

"Has he actually pantsed any of you yet?"

Trowa sighed. "No, and I don't think he plans to. But I spent three hours last night just peeling labels off my clothes. He must be stopped."

"At any cost," Quatre added. Heero considered the possibilities. "Do you want me to kill him?"

Quatre looked shocked. "No! But he needs to be taught a lesson, and you're the best man for the job."

Heero nodded. "Mission accepted."

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Duo sighed in complete happiness, all thoughts of yesterday's pranking and its repercussions gone from his mind. For the moment he was simply enjoying his favorite old movies on TV.

"_Why you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder!"_

"_Who's scruffy-looking?"_

Duo paused, having that unpleasant feeling of being watched. He dismissed it and grimaced as Princess Leia planted a big kiss on Luke Skywalker.

"I will pants you," a familiar voice whispered in his ear. Duo smiled and stood up, completely unsurprised that Heero had already disappeared. "Go ahead. I dare you."

"Okay," said Quatre's voice from behind him. The next thing he knew, Duo's black pants were around his ankles.

---Owari---

Haha, Quat-chan got his revenge! Well? Review if you liked it, and also if you have any ideas for more chapters! Thanks for reading!


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